Is a love relationship between three persons possible? And would it work, if they all lived together, and one of them had a small child? I’ve always been fascinated by these “love families”, in which more than two persons happily share intimacy, sexuality, and even a house. Ana is a beautiful soul inhabiting a radiant body, and a dear friend and lover of mine. She has lived exactly this experience, so I couldn’t help but interview her. Read on to hear her inspiring story and follow her journey into open relationships.
Fragments of Evolution: Hi Ana! To begin the interview, can you tell me something about you, your interests, your life in general?
Ana: My name is Ana, I’m 29 and I was born in Spain. I have a lot of different interests, but right now I’m focused on Yoga, dancing, and art. In the last 8 years I’ve been traveling between Latin America, Europe and Asia – always on the move!
FoE: A nomadic life! What is your current situation regarding emotional and sexual relationships?
Ana: Since I closed my last conventional monogamous relationship two years ago, I decided to open up to a different way of living relationships.Very naturally, I’ve ended up having several love and sexual relationships at the same time, both with men and women. I live these relationships fully when me and my lovers are in the same place, and when we are apart, we always keep some form of contact. I never have any expectations over whether a given relationship will continue; I try to leave total freedom for this to happen or not. Right now, I would say that I have this kind of relationship with roughly ten people.
FoE: Well, that’s not bad at all! You mentioned that you chose to live in open relationships after the end of a more traditional couple. What brought you to this shift?
Ana: I’ve always felt the same since I started feeling love and practicing sexuality, but before, I didn’t hang around with people that had the same level of openness. I used to meed amazing men, with whom I wanted to go deeper, and they were proposing a more conventional relationship. Just as now I’m open to open relationships, before I was open to conventional relationships! In any case, after having lived through three long relationships with men, I felt that I had learned enough about that. I was ready to share love in a different way, and with women as well.
FoE: Gotcha. Since I already know you a bit, I’d like to ask you about something I know you have lived, and that seems really interesting to me. I’m thinking about your experience of love and communal living within a trio of lovers. How did this situation arise?
Ana: It happened like this: last year, in Ibiza, a friend invited me to a Tantra course in the Osho lineage. The first night I had an adventure with this friend, and the following day in the course I had a special connection with a woman. My friend came closer and invited both of us to his place, and we accepted; that night the three of us had a lovely lovemaking. The next day the workshop was over, but he suggested that we could stay at his house and begin a relationship. Moreover, that same day we became aware that the other woman had a 2-years old daughter… so that the following day we started living together the four of us! Everything was very natural, and we spent the next 3 months living together and sharing basically all of our time together.
FoE: I love this story 🙂 On a practical level, how did you organize your space? For example, did you sleep together in the same bed?
Ana: From the beginning, without even talking about it, we had the idea that we were a triangle with a small dot in the center. And the center was, of course, the child. So we organized everything in order to provide her with the most comfortable spaces, and to respect her schedule. That include the mother, since she was still breastfeeding. Since the house only had one bedroom, that was assigned to them; me and the man were sleeping on two couches in the living room.
FoE: How was a typical day of your lives?
Ana: The mother and daughter would wake up at around seven, they prepared a wonderful breakfast, they would wake up our lover, and then the three of them would jump on me… Can you imagine how beautiful it was, waking up each morning with a man, a woman and a child kissing me and cuddling me? Three beings with completely different energies, giving me a lot of love… that was amazing.
After waking up, we would practice Yoga for one and a half hours, trying to handle the child as best we could, because she wanted us to pay attention to her instead! Then, we would go to the beach, taking turns in being with the baby, and trying to let each one of us have some time by herself. We would come back home for lunch, and in the afternoons we would usually take the child to some playground. We’d be back home early, have a light dinner, and the mother would take the baby to bed. Then we had some time for the three of us, which might include or not making love. One day of our life was more or less like this.
FoE: Sounds awesome… How did you manage with your sexual life? Did you make love all together, or two by two?
Ana: Well, the mother was not so much sexually active, since she was breastfeeding. Thus, we would have threesomes once or twice a week, when the child had already been fed and was fast asleep. The rest of the nights, since the mother and child had their own bedroom, I and the man could make love while they were sleeping. In the morning, when the mother woke up, it was her time of highest sexual arousal, so me and the man would take turns to take the child out for a walk while she could stay with the other and have some intimate time. There was a lot of variety!
FoE: Yes, I can imagine! Speaking of the child, how did you manage with taking care of her?
Ana: The three of us spent time with the child, but she mainly wanted to stay with her mother, who was breastfeeding her. Obviously, her mom needed some time by herself every now and then, and we would organize things to help her. In regard to the child, I always felt that she was very happy and at ease. I never had the impression that she was jealous of her mother sharing time, love and sexuality with a man and a woman. She accepted our male lover from day one, almost like a father; she respected him a lot and he did have some authority on her! As for me, I was perceived more as an “assistant to mommy” 🙂
I always felt that everything was very natural for the child, and I am going to give you a beautiful example. If she saw that two of us adults were kissing, she almost got mad: she would fetch the missing person, put the three of us in a group hug, and stand in the middle, purring. This triangle in which she was the center was not only natural for her: she would really not like it if one one of the pieces was missing!
FoE: Did you encounter any obstacles in this group relationship? Jealousy, possessiveness, or anything similar?
Ana: Not really, at least not to a degree that would affect the relationship and call for a discussion. Even between us, the two women, there was never any real jealousy. The fact that a child was there and one of us was a mother definitely helped in the energetic balance. It has been such a perfect harmony!
FoE: On a general level, what do you think are the main advantages of living in open relationships?
Ana: Honestly, more than thinking about advantages of this way of loving, I can’t find any alternatives right now! Sharing love, deepness and sexuality with several men and women makes you understand that love is inside you, it is unconditional and free. Having open relationships makes me feel that the object of love is not so important: since I have the capacity to love, I am willing to share it. At the same time, you need to maintain a certain awareness of your personal path, so that you don’t project on others what is really happening inside you.
When you live in open relationships, you realize that there isn’t a pattern to follow. The only model we are given is that of a monogamic couple, be it heterosexual or gay. Since I am experimenting with new forms of relationships, I feel I have to face all the problems from my own center. Nobody can tell me what is or is not correct, because there are no models! And if you try comparing your life with the monogamic model, then you can really go mad…
I also think that it’s very important to integrate the idea that your love can encompass many people. At the beginning this can generate doubts. You think: “Am I really loving deeply and freely all these people? Or is it actually that my heart is closed, these are all superficial relationships and this is why I can handle it so well?” My answer is no, all of us have the capacity to love several people. But sometimes it is not easy to reach this certainty, because society is going to tell you that this isn’t love.
FoE: Speaking about society, have you often felt criticized or judged for your way of living open relationships?
Ana: Well, for example my family doesn’t know anything about my relationships! They would not understand it at all. In general, whenever I meet a man or a woman I am attracted to, I explain my way of loving, and most of the times the feedback is positive. But on the other hand, if I try to share these experiences with friends from my hometown, people I know from childhood, they find it very odd. Nevertheless, generally speaking, I usually do not feel a very severe judgment on these matters.
FoE: After all this process, what’s your opinion on monogamous relationships? Is that still a possibility for you?
Ana: In my case, I try to stay open, without any preconceptions on what kind of relationships I am going to have. So yes, I could see myself in a couple relationship, for example living together with a man or a woman, but I don’t think that it would be a relationship of complete exclusivity. I also feel that when you are living in a couple, the energies melt into each other, there is a lot to agree upon, and sometimes one can lose the focus of her own self-love. In my opinion, the more you follow your own path and love yourself, the more you are able to love others.
Foe: Awesome. My last question: from your experience, do you have any advice for those who are considering going into open relationships?
Ana: If you are considering opening to unconditional love, my recommendation is that you do it as soon as possible! Sure, you are going to encounter obstacles along the way: all you have learned from your culture and family, your own ego, your blockages, the power of the past… But as soon as you meet others who love in that way, you’ll see that when you feel love all the doubts vanish away! Fear, the ego, society, your family… they’ll still be there, but you are going to recognize them for what they are, because you love and you feel loved. When there is love, all the rest can be handled! Moreover, think that you have already experienced many times the “traditional” way of loving, in which you were trained. Thus, why not open to something different? You always have the possibility of coming back.
FoE: Thank you so much Ana, that was very inspiring… your history makes me think that really there are no limits or rules in love relationships, and that we can experiment freely following our hearts! Thank you for sharing all this with us.