I will say this from the beginning – the title of this post is somehow a rhetorical question: for me, the answer is that they aren’t that different. But it’s obvious that for the majority of the people, the answer would be yes. So, it seems to me that this question can open an interesting discussion.
Most people perceive partnership and friendship as two completely different kinds of relationship, and for some, they are mutually exclusive (if someone is a friend, then they can’t possibly become a lover, and vice versa). It seems that we expect quite different things from a friend and a lover, and that entirely different rules apply: for example, it can be okay if you don’t call a friend for a month because you’re traveling, but you may feel you owe your lover at least a short call every few days. The differences are even more pronounced if sexuality is involved: if you have a short affair with someone, you might tell this to a friend or not; however, in the case of a lover, you’d probably feel some kind of pressure to talk – our lovers “need to know” who we have been sharing sex with.
How do we tell friends from lovers? It’s interesting to note that both are obviously someone we have a connection with – but sexual engagement is what makes the difference. That’s why, when we say “I have a lover”, we are implicitly declaring that there is a person we are having sex with; in most cases, saying “I have a friend” is likewise implying that we don’t have a sexual connection with that particular person.
Relationships between human beings are complex, and there are so many factors that play a role in them: emotional closeness, shared interests, age, gender, social status … it is safe to say that every relationship is unique and has its own peculiar dynamics and patterns. So why is it so, that one of the many aspects of a relationship, sexuality, has such a great importance when compared to all the others? Why are we willing to change our behaviors, language, and feelings towards somebody when the sexual element enters into the relationship?
In my opinion, this has to do with the approach to sexuality that society has transmitted to us. This approach both vulgarizes and overestimates everything related to sex; otherwise said, it fails to express a balanced, realistic vision of sexuality. Sex is simultaneously seen as something dirty and shameful, and as the axis around which all of our life should turn. This self-contradictory attitude is responsible for a lot of suffering and confusion, but this should probably be the topic of another post. My point here is that, when we are relating to another human being, it doesn’t need to make an enormous difference whether we are actively having sex with them or not – this could be one factor among others, not necessarily the main one.
If we start considering sexuality just one more factor in defining a relationship, then it may become unclear whether a certain person is a lover or not. Is that nice guy, with which you made love three or four times, and then became involved in a romantic relationship with somebody else, a lover or a friend? What about that woman with whom you’ve been having sporadic hot sex for years, but hardly shared any interest outside bed? I have the feeling that this is the sort of “good confusion” that can happen when we stop using some words as labels, and we’re faced with the exciting task of having to define each relationship by itself, without categorizing. Then, instead of thinking, for example, that we have ten friends and two lovers, we might perceive that we are linked in unique ways to each one of these persons, and that the sexual connection is just one of the factors that make the difference.
This, at least, is what happened to me when I started living in a sexually open community in which, among other things, people where introduced to me by their names as opposed to the “Please meet my girlfriend” style I was used to. After a few months, I realized that I just didn’t know who was having sex with whom, and I myself wasn’t sure if I had lovers, friends, or a mixture of both. More importantly, I discovered that this apparent confusion was actually giving me freedom – freedom from labels, and consequently freedom from behavior patterns that I had used for all my adult life. Then, I started asking myself the question that titles this post – are lovers really that different from friends? The more I progressed along my personal path of growth and evolution, the thinner this difference seemed to become. Finally, I began thinking of my lovers as very good friends with whom I also happened to share sexual intimacy.
I could sum it up by saying that, in my own experience, it is not necessary to divide our relationships in two very separate groups, those with whom we have sex, and the rest. I feel quite comfortable considering everyone as a “friend”, or, if you prefer, a loved one – a term that does not imply sexual connection without excluding it. I believe that the same ethical principles should guide us when we relate to any other person, whether they are relatives, friends, or lovers. Moreover, I think that regarding our friends and lovers as having the same status in our lives, can help us get rid of some labels and patterns that we might be involuntarily applying to both. In the end, we all are interconnected human beings and while the nature and purpose of the connection may be very different, the essence is the same – we are sharing something and we care for each other.
This shift of perspective has brought more freedom, more acceptance and ultimately, more love to my life. Sure, the general picture of my relationships has gotten more complex and it takes longer to explain it to others – my connections don’t fall anymore into two neatly arranged categories. But that’s a small price to pay in order to increase the awareness of the uniqueness of each relationship, making it less likely that I will fall back to standard habits and patterns that were forged in the past. This is why my answer to the question is “No, they are not so different – actually all are loved ones to me”. But as I said it from the beginning, that was a rhetorical question 🙂
photo credit: We Two Love Each Other via photopin (license)