Is Monogamy Natural For Human Beings?

Human beings, although they undoubtedly carry the marks of their biological evolution, are free to go beyond and sometimes even against the laws of all animal life. And yet, too often are sexual behaviors deemed “unnatural” when they don’t conform to the standards of life-long heterosexual monogamy. Is there any scientific basis to these judgments? A possible answer to this question is provided in Sex at Dawn, an enjoyable and profound book in which, thanks to an accurate scientific investigation supported by a good dose of wit and humor, the authors take us through an absorbing journey from the caves of our hominid ancestors to the dramas consumed in our bedrooms. And, in the process, they make a strong case for the dignity of non-monogamous styles of human relationships.

The Myth of the “Coy Female”.

Evolutionary Psychology is an interesting but controversial science. Its basic tenet, expounded by biologist E. O. Wilson in his book Sociobiology (1975) is the following: not only physical features, but also behavioral traits can be explained according to the well-known principles of natural selection postulated by Darwin. Most people would rightfully resist the idea that natural selection alone can explain the way we love, struggle, and otherwise live our lives; yet, some of the postulates of Evolutionary Psychology seem to have been conferred an unspoken (and thus unquestionable) validity by society.

One of the most controversial among such postulates is what we could call “the myth of the coy female”. According to this idea, for biological and evolutionary reason (and thus, once again, something we cannot do much about), women engage in sex in order to get material security for themselves and their offspring, rather than for the physical and emotional pleasure. The female libido (sexual desire) is thought to be weak – and luckily so. Because, according to this theory, if women were just as sexual as men, then the whole social order would collapse.

Yet, argue the authors of Sex at dawn, “despite repeated assurances that women aren’t particularly sexual creatures, in cultures around the world men have gone to extraordinary lengths to control female libido”. The means to “control female libido” have ranged from extremely unpleasant to outright horrific: from insults, to preposterous diagnoses of nymphomania or hysteria, to terrifying genital mutilations. All this, only to prevent the “coy” women to express their “low” sexual desire.

According to scientific research, there is nothing in nature that indicates a radical difference in libido between men and women. The censors and moralizers of all ages have always known this simple truth – and this is why they have waged a war against the supposedly “negligible” female sexual desire.

Meet the Bonobos.

If you aren’t perturbed by reading or watching animals in uninhibited sexual frenzy, then you should definitely have a look at the social behavior of the Bonobos, our closest “cousins” among the monkeys, with whom we share over 98% of our genetic code. These highly evolved primates are just as interested in sex as we human are; they use sexuality as a form of pleasure and social bonding, and not only for reproductive purposes, and they engage in very human-like sexual behavior such as french-kissing or making love face-to-face.

Bonobos are also very promiscuous: females, who are sexually active throughout her whole menstrual cycle, will sometimes mate more than ten times in a day with different males from her group. According to researchers, this intense sexual life, together with the open mating system (what we would simply call sexual promiscuity) play a major role in making the Bonobos live in an extremely peaceful, cooperative and egalitarian society.

Love in the Caves.

If the behavior of apes can be observed with relative ease, we can’t say the same for the life of prehistoric humans: as the word implies, we have no recordings of how they lived and loved. Yet, with the help of scientific methods and reasoning, the authors of Sex at Dawn can offer a plausible account of the social and sexual life of humans before the shift to farming agriculture that took place around 10 thousand years ago.

The existence of these groups of hunter-gatherers, while far from being an idyllic utopia, was characterized by relative peace, health and – unsurprisingly – intense sexual promiscuity. Just as with the Bonobos, the fact that females were sexually available and didn’t need to fear retaliation for expressing their desire seems to have helped avoiding conflict between males, thus reducing violence, murder and war.

Summing up, the scientific research expounded in this book clearly shows that monogamy and marriage in humans are no more “natural” than any other arrangement, and possibly less. To come back to the example of the primates, the only strictly monogamous ape is the gibbon. On the contrary than humans though, gibbons copulate rarely and only for reproductive purposes; moreover, they are solitary animals with a low IQ, and far less genetically related to humans than the scandalous Bonobos.

Monogamy and the War on Female Sexual Desire.

Now the real implications of these studies for our life begin to emerge. Monogamy is, undoubtedly, a choice that deserves as much respect as any other arrangement between two consenting persons. But to assert that monogamy is “natural” for humans is unfounded and, in a sense, irrational. To prove this, let’s just consider a simple fact: if monogamy is natural, why do we humans need to enforce it through the elaborate ritual of marriage? No creature on Earth needs to promise solemnly, in front of witnesses, that it will do what is “natural” for the rest of its life. The mere existence of the institution of marriage indicates that lifelong monogamy requires an immense effort and that it needs to be enforced – often with the threat of chastisement, dishonor and shame for those who break it.

But there is another, disturbing fact that we cannot ignore:. throughout human history, the establishment of institutionalized monogamy has been preceded by the transition to a patriarchal system, and the effort to control or suppress the female libido. The authors of Sex at Dawn say: “Before the war on drugs, the war on terror, or the war or cancer, there was the war on female sexual desire. (…) It’s a war that can never be won, as the declared enemy is a force of nature. We may as well declare war on the cycles of the moon.”

Unfortunately, the idea that women don’t enjoy sexual variety as much as men do, and that they “naturally” tend towards a monogamous, predictable sexual life has been pushed so hard into our subconscious minds that many of us will find it difficult to dispute it.

Supporting Promiscuity.

We should ask ourselves, then, what would happen in a society where women and men were not frowned upon or punished for having multiple sexual encounters with different lovers. For example, what would it be like if any woman could count on the support of the entire community to raise her children, no matter who their father was? What would happen, if women did not need to “trade” their sexual fidelity for the promise of material and economic support?

This is exactly the case in some so-called “primitive” cultures, such as the Mosuo, an ancient society in southwest China. A Mosuo girls has complete autonomy over her sexual life, and she can choose to have one or more lovers each night. There is no expectation of commitment, and any child that might be the fruit of such unions will be raised in her mother’s house, with the help of her family, men included. Hardly a proof of the “coyness” of women, when they are allowed to live their emotions and desires without fear. Not surprisingly, the Mosuo are a matriarchal society, in which sexual abuse is non-existent.

In conclusion, while every choice is equally valid in the realm of relationships, if we adopt a scientific view we clearly see that monogamy is no more natural than “promiscuity” – or, to use a less biased word, polyamory. On the contrary, it might well be that strict monogamy is the less natural choice, adopted by man in the very latest part of its evolutionary life, and enforced in most societies through conditioning and repressive means.

This understanding, far from implying a criticism of monogamy, can perhaps encourage us to be more tolerant towards our and other people’s sexual behaviors. Do we really need to demand complete, uncompromising sexual exclusivity to the ones we love? Could it be beneficial for all, even for couples that plan to spend the rest of their lives together, to acknowledge the fact that sexual desire does not necessarily follow clear-cut schemes? By addressing these questions, we can perhaps build healthier relationships, and work towards opening our minds and hearts.

photo credit: ttan_ via photopin cc