You’re probably all familiar with the theory of the 3 F’s responses to trauma: FIGHT, FLIGHT, AND FREEZE. (Yes, I know, there’s also fawn, flop, and a couple of other possible F’s).
These are reactions that we humans (and other animals) have developed to respond to extremely stressful situations, such as real or perceived threats.
What’s interesting is that these responses can be ADAPTIVE (adjusted to the environment and promoting our long-term harmony with the external world) or MALADAPTIVE ( reactions that may offer short-term relief, but at the cost of our long-term adaptation to the environment).
For instance: generally speaking, running away from (or fighting with) a violent attacker is adaptive, while running away from (or fighting with) an upset partner is maladaptive.
We facilitators, coaches, and space holders learn to recognize and work with these responses, both with our clients, and in ourselves.
Ok so what’s new?
Well, I’ve been observing for a while another stress response that I think is worth mentioning.
I’m going to call this response “FACILITATE.”
(I know this word means many other wonderful things. I’m using it here in a semi-humorous way.)
Facilitating as a stress response could look like trying to control the environment by affecting other people’s behavior, mainly through verbal commands, sounds, or body gestures, with the objective of coping with our own stress and/or averting a real or perceived threat.
This could look a number of different ways, including:
* Issuing commands to influence the actions of others
* Using words like “pause,” “stop,” “wait” or similar to bring whatever is going on to a halt
* Using body language or gestures as commands to influence the actions of others (think a raised hand to make someone stop)
* Inviting everyone to take a breath in order to interrupt their emotional expression
* etc…
Is it possible that facilitating can also be adaptive or maladaptive, i.e. either support us and the environment to get into greater harmony, or provide a short-lived sense of safety while actually bringing us and the environment farther apart?
It sounds plausible to me.
If this makes any sense, I believe that as spaceholders and facilitators, we need to recognize that the chances of facilitating others out of our own dysregulated state are real.
Therefore, as part of our skill mastery, we can:
👉Learn to recognize the signs of dysregulation in ourselves, and be alert to our own feelings of fear, anger, anxiety when intervening in a facilitated space.
👉Learn to separate our own stressful feelings from an objective evaluation of the safety of the space or the participants (when under stress, we are liable to perceive the environment as less safe than it actually is).
👉Commit to learning simple and effective tools to process those feelings and soothe our nervous system BEFORE we make an intervention with an individual or a group.
👉Ask ourselves the question: is my own system MORE REGULATED than the system I am trying to intervene on? Or, from a more spiritual/shamanic perspective: am I intervening from a state of consciousness that is more expansive, relaxed, and inclusive than the one I am trying to affect?
👉And if not, is it safe to spend a few extra breaths to facilitate MYSELF into more ease and regulation, before I attempt to facilitate anyone else?
There’s plenty of reflection on how weak or inconsistent facilitation may contribute to creating an unsafe space.
My sense is that we may equally cause involuntary harm when we OVERFACILITATE others out of our own stress response, whether this looks like a harsh, commandeering intervention or like a smothering, suffocating, hypervigilant one.
Both of those extremes are ultimately rooted in a lack of attunement.
By the way, it’s not only facilitators that “facilitate” as a stress response.
It’s also parents that over-correct their kids because they (the parents) can’t cope with their feelings of anxiety and overwhelm.
It’s doctors and nurses barking orders at patients, not because there’s something dangerous going on, but because of their own dysregulated state.
Whether in the form of barking commands, or under the guise of soft instructions and soothing touch given “for your safety”… when facilitation comes from a dysregulated/unattuned state, it is not really attuned to the individual or group being facilitated, and it’s therefore usually not well received.
These are some of my current musings on the subject.
Facilitators, coaches, and anyone in my audience: what do you think? Does this resonate with you? Do you recognize yourself in this?
I would love to hear your thoughts.
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