The meaning we give to sexuality changes and evolves with us. Sexologist Theresa Johanne Kirkby gives us an intimate and inspiring account of her personal journey, as she progressively discovers a deeper significance of intimacy and sexuality in her life.
On an early spring evening I was walking down a very cute and popular street in Copenhagen, when I ran into a sweet and free-spirited girl that I know. Standing in the fresh breeze, surrounded by hipsters walking past, the subject of sex touched both of our lips, as she looked around, lowered her voice and said: “I haven’t been with anyone for a year, but last night I hooked up with someone and had sex.. But Theresa.. I had to stop it. I had to tell him we had to stop, because it just felt so mechanical and wrong.”
She looked a bit embarrassed till I enthusiastically said:”Good on you! That’s very brave. I have a lot of respect for people, that listen to their bodies and stop having sex when it feels wrong.” Because.. Why has it been integrated into our minds, that sex isn’t done till we’ve reached an orgasm or the white spot has been shot out? Why do we find it so hard and embarrassing to communicate about our needs, when we really aren’t enjoying what’s going on? And do we ever take the time to think about: “What does sex mean to me?”
I’ve had plenty of “uncommitted sex for the fun of it”, during my not very long life. Sex that I think back on with a smile of cheekiness, but also sex I think back on with a facial expression of despair followed by the sound of “Urghff..” Nope, I’d rather not think about “those times” because they leave me with a feeling of.. Could it be shame? “Those times” where I’ve had sex without really wanting it. “Those times” where I’ve lost the feeling of connection to myself and my body.
There’s been times where I’ve been lying there, waiting for the guy to “finish up”. Times where I half heartedly and possibly a bit shyly would say, “You can come now if you’re ready,” or times where I’ve faked my moaning voice to say:”Oh yes.. I want you to come now,” and got things put into action by pretending that I’d love nothing more than to be covered with sperm.
Yes, we women have many tricks up our sleeve when we want sex to reach an end. A lot of women even make a ritual out of faking their orgasms. So why did I, and perhaps many others, continue to have sex, without really wanting it? I always thought that sex wasn’t “finished” till the guy had ejaculated. I always felt that I needed to please him, in order to feel good about myself as a sexual woman.
I was too insecure of communicating about what my mind and body were telling me, because I was afraid of “ruining” what I thought he felt was some amazing bed-shagging. But at the same time, I used to feel distant and disappointed with my partner, if I didn’t get an orgasm.
By starting to think more about my own sexuality and of my own worth as a sexual woman, I realized that my perspective on sex was actually very narrow-minded, and that I, amongst the majority of people out there, thought of sex merely as a “tool” to reach physical pleasure. By trying to get out of that state of mind that told me, that I needed to reach an orgasm or that my guy had to ejaculate, I found myself being able to relax a lot more, and the feeling of surrendering into the lovemaking, became easier and more intense, as I became more present with what was going on.
I slowly started to experience deeper and really beautiful connections happen during sex, as bodily orgasms would find their flow within me and open my heart, which made me realize, that sex is so much more than a physical thing and that it can be used as a portal to create something “mind blowing” between two people.
If I now feel like the energy is a bit flat, or find myself being too much in my mind, I get nothing out of feeling a penis rubbing itself inside me. No.. Then I’d rather cuddle, focus on my breathing, on eye contact or on feeling my heart and body and let the sexual energy find its natural stream into the bedroom again – and if it doesn’t then that’s OK.
Those times where I don’t feel like continuing with having sex or being sexual and my partner has the need to ejaculate, I gladly encourage him to take responsibility for his own needs and finish himself off in front of me. Just like I take care of my own needs and make myself orgasm, if that’s what I want.
Sex means a lot to me, and I therefore see it as my own responsibility to steer the ride into the direction I want. Into the direction where I’m capable of letting go and surrendering into the feeling of being in the now with another person. I love getting orgasms and pleasuring my man, however the essence of sex is not about all of that.
To me sex is kinda sacred. It can open me up like a rosebud that’s feeding off the spring sun (if I’m with the right person). It can bring me to places of pure ecstasy, where I allow myself to surrender. It can bring me closer to my partner in so many ways and it can be truly beautiful. Yup, sex is definitely very important to me, which is why I never go out and have one night stands!
I can live without sex for months and months, until I meet that right connection, that’ll make my heart jump and panties wet..
So… What does sex mean to you?
Theresa is a certified sexologist, hula hoop dancer and an absolute horse lover from Denmark, who enjoys the smell of a pine forest, the taste of a homegrown tomato and the sound of a djembe jam.
She sees herself as a free-spirited woman, who likes to push her boundaries with almost everything that life has to offer.
She likes to inspire people to start following their intuition and listen to their hearts, and shares her stories on www.theresajohanne.com
Image Copyright: Piotr Marcinski
Release Information: Signed model release filed with Shutterstock, Inc
DW-Bravo! great post. I have a couple oponiins and by no means am I recommending this to anyone. What a person does with their own bodies is a personal decision.I am a devout Roman Catholic, my boyfriend is a devout Roman Catholic. We are not what American’s call cafeteria Catholics picking and choosing what to accept or not accept. As a homosexual man its always been a struggle what I wanted to do with my body or my feelings vs what my faith ask of me. DW perhaps you being an x-catholic you had these same struggles. One thing I knew I could not do was throw my faith away. I can’t do that. So if I sinned I went to confession, try my best to live the life God ask of me, sometimes I did okay job other times I didn’t. Me and my boyfriend felt we were living a lie. We say we were good Catholics but then we continue to sin. We were total hypocrites. We did try to do what was asked but we didn’t try hard enough. At least people who left the faith were more honest than we were. Its true.After our last confession which my whole family goes together all 11 of us, which was on June 26th. Nicola (BF) and I talked and we shared our thoughts we decided the time of charades and lies were over. We had to make a decision are we going to live the faith God ask of us or are we going to leave the faith. This luke-warm crap had run its course. We decided it was time to live the life God asks of us. We have been celibate since the time of our last confession. Has it been difficult? Yes, you could say that. But life is difficulty. We take up our cross offer it to Christ and we take it a day at a time.In no way to am I pushing this on anyone but any gay catholic must come to terms with their sexuality and faith. What they do with it is their decision. Grazie, davide