All spiritual traditions declare that, through sexual abstinence and certain techniques, one can use the surplus energy for healing, spiritual and even practical purposes. The excess sexual energy can be diverted towards the higher centers, such as the heart or the head, thus attaining elevated states of consciousness. It is also well known that this process is not easy. Even Buddha used to say that, had he found on his way another obstacle as big as sexual desire, he would probably not have reached enlightenment. This was actually a metaphor to indicate that, if sexual energy is neither expressed nor converted into higher forms, it will accumulate in the genital area and create problematic effects.
Thus, if chosen consciously, celibacy is a valid option for anyone who is interested in spiritual practice, or simply needs a period of reflection and introspection. Sadly, though, nowadays very few are the cases in which people are choosing to be celibate with awareness. Most often, sexual abstinence is the result of external factors, combined with internal blockages and fears. Simply put, most societies and cultures are not very favorable to a healthy, natural development of sexuality; consequently, people often live in what could be called a state of “forced celibacy”.
Moreover, when most people do have sex, they do it in a way that completely wastes their sexual energy. Tantra teaches that in order to advance in spiritual and human evolution, sexual energy must be conserved through specific practices. This is not the object of this article, but it should be noted that for the committed spiritual practitioner, the alternative to celibacy is the mastery and control of the sexual energy.
Forced Sexual Abstinence and its Consequences.
Forced celibacy may happen for a variety of reasons: for example, because we don’t conform to the models of attractiveness of our environment and thus have a hard time finding lovers; or because no one around seems to fit the standards that we have more or less consciously set for potential lovers; or simply because acknowledging our sexual needs would bring us to a painful internal contradiction with some ethical principles we have internalized. Whatever the reason may be, a protracted state of forced celibacy will usually provoke disturbing effects, although Feminine and Masculine beings tend to have different responses to such a situation.
Men, after a prolonged time of sexual inactivity, will usually project their need on the outside world in various ways: from a healthy drive to go out and meet new people (and possibly find new lovers), to nefarious deviations of aggressiveness towards others. In one way or another though, even if it means resorting to the services of a paid professional, a Masculine being will usually find it unbearable to stay in a state of forced celibacy for too long, and will try to find a way out like a cornered animal.
Feminine beings, on the other hand, often show a much more subtle and somewhat mysterious reaction when they suffer a protracted sexual deprivation. Even though some nervousness, irritability and general uneasiness will usually be present, women can sometimes reach a state of apparent balance. In this case, they seemingly feel little to no sexual desire, and even if they haven’t been making love for a long time, this does not seem to affect them much. While this may be indeed true, there are some factors that we need to consider.
The Harsh Training of Women.
Women, in general, have been trained since childhood to suppress their sexual desire. Little girls are educated to be perfectly “clean” and “proper” – which entails, among other things, completely ignoring what is happening “down there”. This is something a young boy simply cannot do: the signals of his sexual arousal are so evident, and the daily contact with his penis so necessary for urination, that he is forced to acknowledge that there is something very important in between his legs.
On top of the culturally induced disconnection from their vagina, society is teaching women that showing sexual desire or need is the most unladylike thing a girl can do. This brainwashing is so strong, during the building up of a fragile sexual identity in the first years of teenager life, that most women develop the ability to almost completely numb their sexual desire. This can unconsciously seem preferable to having to face the need, the craving, the sexual longing that can be experimented in those years.
Unfortunately, this severe training has a number of dire consequences. It is no coincidence that the main problem in female sexuality is that of frigidity, the lack of pleasure or orgasms: in most cases, a woman needs to work a great deal in order to undo this disconnection from her sexual organ, and to feel once again those sensations that she has been unconsciously numbing during years. But this suppression mechanism can easily come back with all its strength, should a Feminine being be faced with the situation of forced sexual abstinence.
The prospect of having to “chase” after lovers, or having to relax her standards in order to have more chances of meeting a match, can be so scary for the unconscious mind, that the alternative of locking down and numbing the desire can appear as a preferable option. This is, in my opinion, what is happening most of the time when a woman is reporting that she feels no sexual desire, despite the fact that her body is perfectly healthy, and that she would have enough time and energy to make love from time to time.
Throughout the thousands of years since man has become an agricultural and sedentary creature, patriarchal societies have tried to mold women into the model of a “coy female”, characterized by a natural tendency to monogamy and by little sexual desire; at the same time, most cultures have gone to great lengths to try and control the supposedly negligible female sexual libido. I have addressed the topic of this “war on feminine sexual desire” in another article; for now, suffice it to say that the effects of this repression are so strong, that women themselves may often doubt whether they have any sexual desire at all.
Energy wants to circulate.
Summing up, the same unfulfilled desire can be expressed either “outwards”, and then its manifestations are quite evident, or “inwards”; in the latter case, it may seem to magically disappear. Unfortunately though, this is just the appearance; that unused and repressed energy stays in the system and is bound to produce some negative effects, unless it is channeled through specific practices. In extreme cases, that stale energy can give rise to self-destructive behavior, mental disturbance, and a wide array of health problems – especially those associated to the reproductive organs. On an energetic level, a human being that continuously suppresses the sexual energy will tend to lose his or her natural radiance and to close up, like a withered flower.
During the past fifteen years, I have been living in different conscious communities which challenged the standard views on relationships and sexuality. Regardless of the differences between these communities, I have always noticed the following: as soon as the conditions arise for women to freely acknowledge their sexual desires, without fear of repression, condemnation or contempt, they reveal themselves to be just as sexual as men. Sometimes, actually, Feminine beings may manifest a much greater sexual disposition than their Masculine partners – perhaps because the energies that have been kept locked for so long are now bursting out in a somewhat vehement way.
Conclusions.
As I have tried to illustrate, sexual abstinence can be a valid choice, if it is taken consciously. We can ask ourselves, however, whether this is what the majority of human beings, as well as the planet we inhabit, really needs; if we look at the societies we live in today, it is difficult to argue that there is an excess of lovemaking. It is true, sex is hinted to, talked about and commercialized everywhere – but let’s not be confused: people don’t make love enough, and they talk about making love way too much. We shouldn’t underestimate the positive effects that a healthier, fuller and more conscious sexuality would have on the human race.
Despite all its shortcomings, the hippie movement of the sixties expressed a profound insight with the motto “Make love, not war”: love and war are antithetic, and any unit of energy invested in one of them is going to immediately provoke the waning of the other. We live in a world which is technologically advanced, and yet it is still riddled by wars. It is perhaps not completely abstruse to think that one possible solution to all this violence can come directly from our bedrooms.
photo credit: Felipe Neves via photopin cc