If you have been interested in Tantra for a while you must have heard about David Deida. He is one of the most influential contemporary writers on Tantra and spiritual sexuality. He is also known for being outspoken, politically incorrect, and somehow brutally honest. This is the first book by Deida I have read so far, and I found it both stimulating and challenging.
The title itself makes it clear: this is a book written for men, or better said, for anyone whose “sexual essence” is masculine. This means that it’s not the biological gender we’re talking about here, but rather, which one of the two sexual poles you feel most identified with. This important distinction, which I have explored in my article on sexual polarity in Tantra Yoga, is necessary to avoid falling into the trap of assuming that every man has a masculine sexual essence and every woman has a feminine one. Thus, if you have a masculine sexual essence, regardless of your gender and sexual orientation (straight, homosexual, bisexual, or any other combination), then you will find this book has a few things to say to you. If your sexual essence is not masculine, you might find it unbalanced or plainly uninteresting – there is no attempt to “please both sides” here.
Deida starts from a well-known assumption of Tantra Yoga: that polarity is necessary for sexual energy to flow. Or, to use the author’s words, “masculine and feminine differences should be magnified, not diminished, in moments of intimacy”. If you have some familiarity with Tantra, you’ll find nothing new here. Although there are some people (which Deida calls “sexually balanced”) for whom polarity in sex is not so important, for most of us the equation stands true: the more polarization, the greater the passion and sexual energy between the partners. Following this idea, Deida offers a series of advice, insights and techniques that can help fortify the masculine essence in us, and understand the feminine essence of our partner better. The dynamics inside a couple of two very polarized being are analyzed with passion and detail, both in lovemaking, and in everyday life, outside of a sexual interaction. Finally, there is a brief discussion of some elementary techniques for the control of ejaculation, and a short but inspired account of how the channeling of sexual energy can bring both lovers to high states of consciousness, and to connecting with the Divine.
According to Deida, the basic difference in polarity can be thus resumed: a masculine person’s priority is to carry out his or her mission in life; the priority for a feminine person, instead, is to feel the flow of love in relationships. Clearly enough, these two objectives do not always combine well with each other, and they can cause incomprehension and pain in a couple relationship. The secret, according to Deida, is to fully embrace your own purpose and follow it to its last consequences, while understanding, respecting and enjoying the different, sometimes opposite priority of your partner. Ultimately, these two approaches to life can empower each other instead of clashing, although this is no easy path. This book is intended to help and guide the masculine persons among us along this path.
The descriptions of polarized lovemaking contained in this book are probably among the most vivid and inspiring that you will find in contemporary Tantric literature. They evoke a passionate, strong sexual interaction in which the masculine partner fully expresses his presence and force, while the feminine fully expresses her openness and surrender. While I find this account of Tantric lovemaking very inspiring, it’s clear that it does not necessarily fit everyone. Many couples, long-term or short-term, can experiment different degrees of polarization in their sexual life as time goes by and the circumstances change; in some cases, this can include the partners completely switching their roles. Nevertheless, I agree with Deida in that in sexual intimacy, strong differences create a strong energy. And if your intention is to use that energy to attain higher states of consciousness, then you are definitely going to need a good amount of it. Our sexual life might not always correspond to the fiery interactions described here; but Tantric sexuality is a path of trial and error, always pushing us to surpass our limits and go deeper into polarity.
While I find Deida’s analysis of Tantric sexuality very interesting, with its enthusiastic and outspoken praise of polarity, I don’t agree so much with the way he transfers the need for strong polarization to all other aspects of life. A good part of this book is dedicated to exploring the difficulties in a relationship between a masculine and a feminine being outside of sex, and the author’s goal is clearly to go past the differences and restore harmony without sacrificing polarity. But his assumption is that a feminine person will be extremely so at every level, and the same goes for a masculine being. As a result, the archetypal conflict situation between a man and a woman is so described: she becomes suddenly overwhelmed by anger or sadness; he tries to maintain his balance, and brings her back to love by hugging her, comforting her and in most cases passionately making love to her. There is really not much room for complexity here, and the masculine qualities of a woman, or the feminine qualities of a man are not given much importance. Moreover, Deida does not seem to believe that we can strive to have balanced relationships, while maintaining a strong polarity in sexual life. According to his view, if you want to have a strongly polarized sexual relationship with somebody, then you need to be prepared to have an equally passionate relationship all the time – not just in sexual intimacy. Fights, reunions, tears and steamy lovemaking are all one package.
I believe that there is no contradiction between having a strongly polarized sexual life and cultivating balance, the opposite of polarization, in other aspects of our existence. On the contrary, this is one of the legitimate paths to evolution, and the one I personally prefer. I have tried to make an argument for this position in my post on sexual polarity, so if you are not convinced, you might want to give it a read. But I am sure that, for many people, the idea of combining balance and passion does not seem abstruse and it’s actually intuitively appealing. With sufficient consciousness and awareness, we human being are able to pursue different goals in different areas of our life, and to resort to our masculine or feminine qualities according to the situation. We can play with our sexual polarity and not be dominated by it, using its full power in moments of passion, and tuning it down when we need balance and fraternal understanding.
As I anticipated in the beginning of the article, this is a book which is both inspiring and debatable. It is inspiring for its straightforward celebration of polarity, its mystery and its immense power. It is also stimulating for the revelations it contains about the masculine and feminine essences, and the capacity it has to go beyond false moralisms and stereotypes. It is debatable, for the assumption it makes that we are destined to live our polarity as a fact, and that we need to either embrace it with its full consequences, or deny it completely. I also find it controversial for depicting the relationship between a man and a woman in a romantic, passionate, sometimes frustrating way. From this standpoint, it would seem that the love stories we had as teenagers, with all emotional turmoil they entailed, were closer to a Tantric relationship than our adult affairs, which probably contain less drama and a bit more of balance. This is something I frankly cannot agree with. Personally, I prefer to follow a path of evolution into a more balanced, stable being, without renouncing to passion and strong polarity in sexual life.
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I totally agree with your conclusion. One thing is sexual polarity, and a very different one is passionate and emotional relationships. The emotional brings you up and down, there is no doubt about that. My question is: would a couple with too many emotional issues be able to keep up with the sexual passion? Personally, I think passion would come to an end. As integral beings we are, separation between both aspects is far from reachable. Emotional balance is a must…
Hi, thanks for the comment ! It’s an interesting question. Do you know of couples that are emotionally very unbalanced yet sexually very passionate ? In my own experience, this state of things can exist, but it does not last long. Sooner or later, as you say, the emotional stress would probably end up killing the passion as well. I agree with you, balance is important and polarity and differences are important as well. I am sure we are able to have both !
Raffi –
Deida is immensely inspiring to me and he also suffers IMHO from some major blind spots. I actually cover this in some detail in my upcoming book “love sex and power” http://lovesexpower.com
First his portrayal of “2nd stage relationship” is (as you say) a caricature of the depth of love and transformation that can occur between a man and a woman (or anyone for that matter) in a non-polarized relationship (e.g a friendship)
And second I don’t think that Deida gets the general case of the potential for men’s service and devotion to women in a sexually polarized relationship. He gets it during the love act (“feel into her” — which is essentially servant-leadership) but not in everyday life. He makes a God of “masculine purpose”. I believe he is essentially correct that a man’s purpose must take priority over his woman — or he will lose both her and himself — but there is not any acknowledgement that for a man , his woman is going to be PART of his purpose. It’s not so easy as “ah honey you are upset, sorry but i am on my purpose now, bye bye”. Every man who has been with a woman knows that is not going to work. Some kind of negotiation is going to be necessary… a negotiation that doesn’t have to take everyone into dreaded 2nd stage, but that can be healing and empowering for both.
So in essence — very inspirational ideas but still a bit of a fantasy or idealization
Hi Marc!
Thanks for your deep and extensive comment. I completely agree with you in that Deida has got both inspirational power and “blind spots” 🙂 Interestingly, the blind spots that I find are somehow different from yours – basically I don’t agree with the “one-dimensionality” of polarity, meaning that a powerful sexual polarity should be translated to an equally strong polarization in all the aspects of life. Deida makes a point: if you want amazing sexuality, then be prepared to a lot of fighting and passion too – these things come in a package. My life experience and studies show me that it is not necessarily so.
I also find a big blind spot in the complete omission of any form of relationships apart from committed monogamy. Personally I am not comfortable with talking in terms of “my woman” – I prefer to think about dynamic networks of love, sexuality and affection.
So yes, there is a lot more to discover there – I’m happy that reading this article was of some inspiration to you. Thanks again!
thank you for this article! deida can be great, but like you said he leaves no space for the subtle nuances that can occur within polarity. as a woman, pretty much all of my sexual relationships with men have had me in a “submissive” or “surrendering” role, and yet right now the hottest thing for me is thinking of being more in control sexually – watching him lose control is very hot for me. but i feel bad because it seems like as a bio-female i am always supposed to be in the receiving role. i apologize for this being rambling but it’s difficult to put into words how i feel about this.
Thank you Meg! I find your comment extremely clear and to the point.
I agree with you fully: our biological make-up does not determine or confine our sexual essence. Moreover, no theory or idea should tell us what is hot and what is not – sexual pleasure talks for itself!
If you have the capacity to enjoy both receiving and active roles in sexuality, that is a fantastic thing and I encourage you to live it fully. My only advice would be to, as much as possible, show your more “dominant” sexual energy to your potential partners, so that you can attract men or women who enjoy that energy and are happy to be in the receptive/surrendering role (and perhaps switch roles the following day if you both so desire).
Often, expressing a sexual energy that does not match what society expects from a certain biological gender is difficult and requires courage. But masking it and “playing along” the role that cultural standards expect from you, has the risk of attracting lovers that don’t match your true sexual essence.
I believe that we are always better off expressing our true sexual desires, even verbally, to our potential lovers, so that they have the possibility to see us for what we really are. I’m sure that many, many men will be extremely turned on from the idea of losing control and surrendering sexually to you. Just let them know that you’re up for the challenge 🙂