How distance can revive the passion in a relationship

My friend and reader Francisco has asked me to write something on a thorny topic: how to get back the passion and the attraction in a relationship, once these have faded out with time. He is interested in how to revive the passion and sexual attraction in a closed relationship, one in which other lovers are not admitted. This is a double challenge for me, as he is thinking about long-term closed relationships, something that I have never experienced so far.

On the other hand, the problem of loss of attraction is not exclusive to closed relationships, but it appears to be a common dilemma of long relationships – both closed and open. That does not mean that all couples will experience this issue at the same time or with the same intensity; but sooner or later, it seems that every intimate relationship needs to go through a phase of diminished desire and sexual attraction.

Intimacy versus Passion

Why does this loss of attraction happen in the first place? There are many theories, but Tantra offers a simple and effective explanation in terms of polarity, the sexual energy and “tension” that flows between two people with a different sexual essence. (If all of this sounds strange to you, have a look at my article on sexual polarity). One of the “laws” of polarity says that it tends to decrease proportionally to the time spent together by the two partners. Basically, the more time you spend with your lover, the quicker the sexual attraction will decline. It is a quite simple rule, although rather disconcerting – at least, until you become familiar with it.

As two lovers deepen their connection, they might be naturally inclined to spend more time together, for example by sleeping together more and more often, or by moving into the same house. In some cases, a couple may share even the workplace. This is even stronger in couples with children; for the first few years, it will usually be quite difficult for either of the partners (and especially for the mother) to have some time for themselves.

Although spending lots of time together may seem the most natural thing to do, in the long run this usually alters the polarity – in other words, it affects the sexual attraction and the passion. In particular, sleeping together, whether after lovemaking or not, is known to be one of the biggest “polarity-killers”: the energies of the two lovers continue to merge during sleep. The result is that the two sexual essences become “more similar” to each other, and this can have a negative impact on sexual polarity, although it can also provide a nice feeling of intimacy and closeness.

The paradoxes of Eros

Modern psychology also expresses the same concept, although in a slightly different formula. Couple therapist Esther Perel, author of the best-seller “Mating in Captivity”, writes: ‘Many couples confuse love with merging. This mix-up is a bad omen for sex. To sustain élan toward the other, there must be a synapse to cross. Eroticism requires distance.‘ It is no wonder then, that as the distance between the two partners becomes shorter and shorter, the erotic tension diminishes.

Here is one of the paradoxes of romantic relationships, both closed and open: we seek security and intimacy with our partners, but we also want to maintain passion and attraction with them. These two impulses go literally in opposite directions (which makes our relationship life so interesting and contradictory at times!)

Some people object that this formula (sexual attraction requires distance) might work for Masculine beings, but not so much for Feminine beings; according to this line of thought, for Feminine beings intimacy and passion go hand in hand. The way I see it, intimacy can indeed be very sexy, and it can fuel passion and eroticism for people of any sexual essence, but this seems to be rather a short term effect. The consequences of intimacy over the long run are different: trust, understanding and in a certain sense love are strengthened; sexual attraction and passion, on the other hand, are almost inevitably weakened.

Playing with distance

From this standpoint, the problem of bringing back passion and attraction in any kind of relationship boils down to the issue of introducing some distance in the relationship itself. This is a delicate process. Too much distance will create other sorts of problems, so each couple needs to find their own “sweet spot”. An analogy from electricity can help clarify this point: if we put a negative and a positive pole too close together, we get a short circuit. If we put them too far apart, the energy won’t be able to cross the distance. But if we find the right distance, appropriate to the relative difference in potential of the poles, we will get a nice flow of energy running.

Going back to our original question with some additional knowledge, we can rephrase Francisco’s question in this way: how can one bring some distance into a relationship that has become “depolarized”? There are three main types of distance that we can work with inside a relationship: physical, mental and emotional.

Physical distance

Physical distance is perhaps the most obvious form: taking a short period of time away from each other is an excellent way to bring some passion and attraction back. But these effects tend to be fairly short-lived; if the problem is deeper, some more radical measures might be required. For example, living in separate houses can be a real boon for the sexual life of a couple. This way, the two partners can “visit” each other as often as they like, but without taking for granted that they will sleep together each and every night.

Of course, this solution can raise other kinds of challenges – for example, in the case that couple has children and they want to grow them up together, or if living separately is not economically viable. After all, every choice in relationships involves a tradeoff, and we must be ready to sacrifice something in order to gain something else.

Mental distance

Mental or psychological distance is much more subtle, and its effects on sexual attraction are perhaps less evident. Still, it can be a very valuable tool in those cases in which physical distance is impossible or undesirable. Using mental distance simply means having something meaningful in your life that your lovers don’t know (and shouldn’t know) about. This can be something completely non-sexual; for example, one of you could join a theatre group and you might have the agreement that whatever happens there is not going to be shared in the couple.

A certain amount of “opaqueness” to each other can help revive the mystery and the attraction between two lovers; contrary to what some popular culture says, being an open book for your lover is not the best way of keeping their attraction and passion alive. Mental distance will lose none of its effectiveness by being agreed upon by both lovers; in fact, deciding together regarding the distance to take could be a beautiful way to support each other in having some private mental space, while at the same time keeping strong bonds of trust and honesty.

Emotional distance

Finally, emotional distance is probably the trickiest of the three, although it can sometimes be the most effective. It is tricky because putting too much emotional distance in a relationship could simply mean that the relationship will end. After all, this is the way break-ups usually happen: the two lovers grow so emotionally distant from each other, that their relationship is forced to change. Nevertheless, a moderate amount of emotional distance can work wonders to rekindle the passion.

How can we deliberately introduce some emotional distance in the relationship? Here I might have to disappoint my friend Francisco, who was more interested in passion within a closed relationship: I believe that the easiest and most effective way (although not the only one!) is to have another lover, aside from your primary relationship. This new “affair” can be as brief as a sporadic encounter, or even just a flirtation which does not develop into anything sexual. But one way or another, all these different episodes are sending a disturbing message to your original partner: “You are not (always) the only one”.

This phrase, which sounds like the very antithesis of romance is, in many cases, the solution to the problem of diminished passion. The reason for this is simple: more often than we would like to admit, we lose attraction for our partners because we feel that we own them or, in other words, we take them for granted. In these cases, the realisation that they are not ours, and that they can be happy, fulfilled and even in love with someone else, will possibly do the trick. Yes, we might feel insecure, perhaps even scared, knowing that our sweetheart has had an adventure with someone else – but we could also feel attracted and passionate again.

Sure enough, this kind of emotional distance does not work for everyone, and it is probably unconceivable in some closed relationships. But in these cases, the other two forms of distance are still a good option or, as an alternative, the couple could consider opening up the relationship. Ultimately, being closed or open are just different kinds of arrangements. Each couple has the possibility to weight out the costs and benefits of being closed and open, and decide what works best for them; in any case, my personal recommendation is to keep these arrangements flexible and change them whenever they stop working, rather than transforming them into a set of fixed, rigid rules.

Conclusion: is passion really important to you?

Let’s mention one last important thing: sexual attraction and passion are not equally important for all couples. There are thousands of couples that enjoy a happy and functional relationship, although their sexual polarity is not too strong. Whether it is worth sacrificing attraction in order to gain more intimacy, is something that each one of us needs to decide together with his or her lovers. If sexual attraction and passion are important for you, however, you will probably derive great benefits from consciously introducing some form of distance in your relationships as soon as the passion starts to fade out – or perhaps even a bit earlier than that.

Any relationship that lasts for more than a few months has to deal with the issue of drops in sexual attraction and passion. It is entirely possible do so in a conscious, responsible way, rather than going into damaging patterns and blaming ourselves or our partners. I hope the ideas presented in this article will help you keep the passion and the polarity alive, for as long as you want it, with whoever you want.

Don’t forget to check Francisco’s blog here: https://elsindromedelamochila.wordpress.com/

photo credit: Fire! via photopin (license)