When I started reading this book, I was a bit put off. Everything, from the title to the visual style of the cover, seemed to suggest that this was one of those New Age self improvement guides that try to teach us how to be more successful, make more money, or have long-lasting marriages – and in some sense, it was. But as I read on, I discovered that there was much more than that: this is also a profound and inspiring analysis of Masculine and Feminine polarities outside of the sexual sphere.
It’s all about the Context
If you are interested in open relationships, sexual diversity, and spiritual sexuality, then you might wonder if this book has anything to say to you at all. “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” is very clearly targeted to committed heterosexual couples who are struggling to maintain love and closeness after years of marriage or partnership. Moreover, the sexual aspect of a relationship is hardly considered at all – let alone the possibility of using sexuality as a spiritual practice. Finally, there is no mention of sexual homosexuality, bisexuality or any kind of sexual diversity. It is important to keep this context in mind while reading this book, in order to avoid having unrealistic expectations and to be able to make the most of this essay. And in fact, if you can live with the particular frame that the author takes almost for granted, there is a lot to discover in this analysis of the Masculine and Feminine behavioral traits.
Interplanetary Communication
As the title suggest, the author imagines that men and women (or, we could more precisely say, persons whose essence is Masculine or Feminine) come from different planets – they have very different ways of approaching problems, caring for one another, expressing love, and so on. While this diversity is certainly one of the main factors of attraction between persons of different sexual poles, it is also the source of frustration, incomprehension and pain. Dr. Gray’s intention is to elucidate the most important behavioral and communicational differences between men and women who are in a relationship, so that they can better meet each other’s needs without sacrificing their uniqueness.
Sexuality is not the object of discussion here, and the author is not particularly interested in giving us recommendation on how to improve our sexual life. Instead, his focus is on the “non sexual” part of a relationship: how couples can communicate better, help each other better, and provide care, support and love to each other with their words and behaviors. I find it very interesting, for once, to take the sexual energy out of the equation and center the attention on the non-sexual interactions between us and our lovers – this enables us to focus on the vast realm of emotional dynamics that take place “outside of bed”, something that as Tantra Yoga practitioners we might sometimes forget to do.
Two ways of solving Problems
So, what are the core traits that differentiate Feminine from Masculine psychology, and that can make communication between persons with opposite sexual polarities so challenging ? One of the main differences, according to the author, lies in how men and women cope with the difficult moments in life – be it sickness, financial problems, or any other important obstacle that comes in the way. The typical masculine reaction to a stressful situation, in Gray’s opinion, can be described as going to the cave. Usually, when confronted with a harsh problem, a man will tend to isolate himself mentally and even physically, and mull it over until he finds a solution. He will become withdrawn and internally focused, generally refusing to talk about his problem as a way of expressing that he can handle it, and he will ask for support or help only if absolutely necessary.
A woman, on the other hand, will typically address a difficult situation by sharing it with her loved ones, gathering energy through their supporting empathy. She will probably look for her friends and partner and talk to them about her problem in great detail, not because she expects to be given a solution, but just to feel the support and caring concern of the listener, which automatically helps her face the difficult situation. As one can easily see, these two responses to stress are almost the opposite of each other – no wonder so many couples have a hard time processing difficult situations together.
Appreciating the Differences
To understand why these natural differences can lead to incomprehension, we have to keep in mind a basic and almost self-evident principle: we usually try to help by offering the kind of support that we would like to receive if we were the ones in need. This simple rule is, according to Dr. Gray, at the root of many big blunders between men and women. For example, if her Masculine partner is going through hard times, a more Feminine person might try to support him by asking detailed questions about the problem. If he avoids talking about it, or simply says “It’s okay, it’s nothing”, she might feel that she needs to insist for his own good, overcoming the resistance he has to talk about his inner tribulations.
Nevertheless, from his perspective, he is “in the cave” trying to focus on the problem; any effort to bring him out of the cave or force him to talk is hindering his progress. Moreover, from a masculine point of view, it is very important to be able to handle a problem by oneself and, in a sensitive time, a man might feel criticized or mistrusted if he is offered unsolicited help. Just on the contrary, if a Feminine person is having a difficult situation, her Masculine partner might try to help by “leaving her some space”, or letting her know that he is doing well and does not need her support – she can take care of her own situation first. But, from the point of view of the Feminine, this might feel like an incredible lack of sensitivity: she is expecting him to offer his empathy and “unsolicited assistance” as a sign of attention and emotional connectedness.
Building Bridges
Even though these descriptions of archetypal behaviors will obviously not fit everyone, I believe that they do point to some basic aspects of human psychology. As such, they can help us understand why people often feel hurt or misunderstood when dealing with persons of the opposite sexual pole, even though they love each other. For example, it can be very challenging for a Masculine person to listen empathically, without trying to “fix the issue” or, even worse, fix his partner for being upset. Similarly, it can be very challenging for a Feminine person to accept that her Masculine partner needs to “go into the cave” when he is worried, and to trust that he will do his best to find a solution and then come back to her.
The purpose of this book, at its core, is to help men and women understand each other and gracefully accept their differences, while maintaining their own particular way of giving and asking for support. Throughout the book, there is a great respect for the diversities of Masculine and Feminine personality, and a genuine interest to help these two poles come closer together without renouncing their uniqueness. In this aspect, Dr. Gray manages to adopt a broader perspective and not be conditioned by his own maleness, which gives credit to his professionalism and good will. True, some of the assumptions I found here feel outdated, such as the complete lack of interest for sexual diversity, or any model of relationship other than the monogamic heterosexual couple. Nevertheless, this is still a very valuable book that can help us better understand the non-sexual aspects of our own Masculine or Feminine essence, and the challenges we must face when trying to establish a loving communication with somebody who is different from us, and thus so attracting.