The term “nonviolent communication” (NVC) suggests a book about pacifism and non-violence; as important as these two subjects are, this book is actually something different. It is an attempt to describe what I would call a “methodology for empathy“. With very clear language and some profound insights, the author presents a set of techniques that can help us communicate more empathically with others, and also with ourselves.
Rosenberg first provides a very interesting analysis of our common dialogues, and how they are often full of judgment, ambiguity, and emotional distance. This is especially true when we have negative feelings being triggered by somebody else’s behavior. According to NVC, we are much more likely to get our needs met by others if we clearly communicate:
- what we are observing in the other person’s behavior
- which feelings this behavior is provoking in us
- which needs of ours are unmet by the other person’s behavior
- which actions we request the other person to take, in order to fulfill our needs
The same principles can then be applied to hearing, with empathy, the other person: we listen to her observations about our actions, the feelings that these actions are provoking in her, which needs of her are still unmet by us, and what she is requesting us to do in order to meet those needs.
This simple methodology can undoubtedly have very deep effects on our ability to communicate efficiently to each other, and to get our needs met without having to resort to manipulation, coercion, or violence. These negative dynamics are all pervasive, and we can often see them in action even in socially conscious or “spiritually evolved” environments. Instead of blaming or criticizing others for recurring to these dynamics, NVC focuses the attention on changing our own behavioral and communicational patterns, and, paraphrasing Mahatma Gandhi, “being the change we wish to see in the world”.
The principle of owning our emotions is central to the theory and practice of NVC. Simply put, it states that while other people can be the stimulus of a negative feeling in us (fear, anger or sadness, for example), they can never be the cause of it. The real cause of the unwelcome feeling is always within ourselves – it consists of a need of ours that has not been met. I believe that this realization, that we are solely and entirely responsible for our own feelings, is one of the bases of genuine emotional evolution. Only when we take full responsibility for our own negative feelings, are we giving ourselves the power to change them, instead of blaming or others for having provoked them. Owning our emotions is also a fundamental principle in the theory of poliamory and open relationships, which further demonstrates the importance and validity of the concept.
So, the practice of NVC requires to empathically listen to what others have to say; but what is real empathy and how can we achieve it ? In the author’s own words, empathy means
emptying our mind and listening with our whole being
or, otherwise said, empathy requires presence. Time and again, we find that presence is a core teaching of all spiritual traditions and philosophical systems which genuinely work for the evolution of human beings. Being present, here and now, free from the delusions of past and future, is the key to great spiritual treasures, and according to many, the necessary condition of any true spiritual progress; the best analysis of presence, and its relation with time, has been given by Eckhart Tolle in his book “The power of now”. In this light, we can see NVC as a practice of present, empathical communication with others and ourselves.
Another interesting insight of Dr. Rosenberg’s has to do with the expression of rage. According to the author, anger is not just a “bad feeling” that we should try to downplay. On the contrary, since anger always arises in us as the result of a deep, unmet need, shining the light of consciousness on anger can reveal what is really important for us, and what we have to do in order to meet our most essential demands. Because of that, it is essential that we divorce other people from the responsibility for our anger: only then can we recognize the deepest, most intimate meaning of our dissatisfaction – a vital need that is currently not being satisfied. Blaming or hurting others, then, is just a superficial expression of anger: it leaves us trapped in the delusion that others are the cause of our negative feelings, and that they deserve punishment for that. In order to express the full significance of our anger, we must first take complete ownership of it and recognize the hidden need behind this feeling.
As we all know, language is a powerful tool that not only expresses but also influences our thoughts, emotions and behaviors. By using some of the techniques proposed in this book, we may be able to change our language patterns and consequently influence our deepest feelings, and the way we react to other people and events. The objective is to achieve a deeper state of presence, empathy and connection to others and to ourselves. Thus, I think nonviolent communication is a valuable tool to assist us in the difficult, challenging process of evolution.
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