Everyone has vulnerabilities. Sharing them, opening our heart to the loving attention of a dear friend or an unknown stranger, is one of the blessings of human life: it provides us support, empathy, and the feeling of being connected. For Masculine beings, however, sharing vulnerabilities can be quite difficult. Men are often afraid that, by revealing their weaknesses, they will end up being considered unable to solve their own problems. A word of caution: in this article, I will often use the words “Man” and “Woman” as synonyms for “Masculine being” and “Feminine being” – a person who has a predominantly Masculine or Feminine sexual essence. This does not necessarily match the biological sex: there are men with a sexual Feminine essence and women with a Masculine one.
According to the ancient wisdom of Tantra, our sexual essence has an impact on all aspects of our being, including our psychology, our emotional baggage, and our existential objectives. Although every individual is unique and different, we can, with some caution, generalize and speak about the specific challenges that a Man or a Woman has to face in different aspects of life. If you are not familiar with these concepts, you can have a look at this article on sexual polarity. And now, let’s move on to the subject at hand: sharing vulnerabilities from the standpoint of a Masculine being.
Sharing vulnerabilities
As I have mentioned before, Men tend to be reluctant to open up and share their weaknesses. But the price to be paid for that self-protective attitude is high: a Man that never opens up will inevitably become tense, rigid, and will often develop all sorts of compensatory mechanisms, trying to project an image of unshakable strength that actually conceals a brittle core. The ability to share vulnerabilities with someone is fundamental to the development of a healthy Masculinity. On the other hand, sharing vulnerabilities with an intimate sexual partner is not always ideal.
This might seem odd since, according to romantic literature and Hollywood movies, we should find in our intimate partners our best friends, lovers, counselors, and a whole range of other qualities. This approach is, however, both unnecessary and potentially harmful. By asking our sexual partners to cover so many contradictory roles in our lives, we risk overloading the relationship with unrealistic expectations. Moreover, sharing vulnerabilities too often can have a negative impact on sexual polarity.
Generally speaking, Men tend to be in intimate relationships with Feminine beings, which for brevity I will call Women (once again, this does not refer to the biological gender but rather to the sexual essence). Women are usually willing to hear the vulnerabilities of their Masculine partners, but only up to a certain point – if sexual tension is to be maintained. Continuously seeing a Man in a vulnerable state, having to support him emotionally and providing a stronger emotional structure that he can lean on, can, in the long run, turn off the sexual desire of a Feminine being. On top of that, many Men feel less sexually polarized when they are sharing their vulnerabilities; this is not an issue if it happens once in a while, but it can be detrimental to sexual attraction if it becomes a habit.
The power of brotherhood
This adverse effect on sexuality may seem really unfortunate, but it actually only becomes problematic if we assume that an intimate partner must fulfill all those different roles – friend, lover, best buddy, and counselor. But why should things be that way? Instead, we can cultivate a rich and extended social network that has space for a variety of relationships, each of them fulfilling different needs and purposes in our life.
From this point of view, a Man may find it much more beneficial to share his vulnerabilities with other Masculine beings – men or women to which he is not sexually connected to. A wonderful opportunity to do that are groups of Men: for example, a workshop for Men only, or a group of friends that meets regularly. Having personally attended and facilitated this kind of groups, I am constantly amazed by the openness, sensitivity and solidarity that Men can manifest once they feel safe enough to share their vulnerabilities.
In a group of Men, at first, there is usually a great difficulty to open up: paradoxically, being surrounded by other Men seems to make it even more difficult for a Masculine being to share his emotions. Nevertheless, once a brave soul in the group takes the first step and shares a difficult aspect of his life, a wonderful transformation occurs. The other Men immediately feel entitled to open up and abandon that stiff image of “winners” that they were trying to project outside. Suddenly, they discover that being vulnerable is part of the human condition, and that it takes nothing away from Masculinity. They feel safer in knowing that they are not alone, and that other Men also have their weak spots.
The pleasure of offering support
Hearing a brother share his problems brings up a wonderful human quality: the natural pleasure in offering support and comfort to another. In a Masculine environment, it is heartwarming to see how apparently tough Men can immediately soften up once they see one of their companions in distress. All of a sudden, the call of the brotherhood makes itself heard; Men almost compete with each other to provide advice, heartfelt empathy, and practical help to the brother in difficulty.
As the group is pervaded by more openness and mutual support, a safe space is created for Men to share their vulnerabilities, knowing that all the others are eager to listen and help, and that they in turn have their own weaknesses to share. It is an intense process that can bring a group of previously unrelated Men to bond in a deep and lasting way – and this transformation can often occur in a matter of hours. It seems like a lid has been lifted off these Men’s heart, finally allowing their natural loving, strong and supportive energy to pour out.
The duty of offering accountability
But support is not the only thing a Man should expect from his friends and brothers – the other fundamental gift being accountability. When a Masculine being shares a vulnerability, it is always with the more or less conscious intention of eventually overcoming it. Acknowledging a weakness is the first, necessary step to be able to heal it and transform it into a strength. However, profound transformations usually mean hard work: it is often only through a painful, soul-shattering process that we can transcend our deepest fears and heal our most secret wounds. When the going gets tough, our resolution may falter and we may be tempted to give up; this is when feeling accountable to other Men can be an immense help.
A Masculine being usually feels a strong, almost primeval calling to keep his word: he simply won’t let himself lose face. A promise made in front of other Men can thus be like an anchor to hold on to in the middle of a storm; providing that anchor, offering two loving but firm eyes that watch upon him, is one of the greatest gifts a Masculine being can give to another. This is the beauty of Men’s way of supporting each other: a firm but loving voice that says “I support you brother, and I hold you to your word“.
Towards a harmonious Masculinity
It is obvious to everyone that distorted forms of masculine behavior are generating violence and suffering everywhere. Violence towards Women, unhealthy competition, chaotic expressions of aggressiveness; all these are sad consequences of a masculinity that is off the track and polluted. It would be tempting to conclude that Masculinity is all about competition, violence, and abuse, and that the only solution is for everyone to embody more Feminine values such as softness and receptivity. But a healthy Masculinity can provide the Universe with some wonderful and, I dare say, necessary qualities.
Strength, focus, direction, perspective – all these and others are beautiful characteristics of a healthy, harmonious Masculinity. The capacity to share vulnerability with dignity, trust and openness is a key factor in developing such an evolved form of Masculinity. By openly facing his fears and weaknesses with the help and support of his brothers and companions, a Man can truly become a fearless, protective Warrior with a tender heart.
photo credit: David-young-sherlock – v2 via photopin (license)